Information about Oliver McNeil’s Funeral

Oliver's hands

It is with a heavy heart that I write to tell you of Oliver McNeil’s death on Wednesday, December 5.  He and his parents, Shannon and Matt, are loved by many in our church and on their behalf, I extend my deep thanks for all of the ways that you, their community, prayed for and served them over the last months while Oliver’s body was in decline.

Some of you may not have known Oliver.  He was 11 years old, a regular at the 11am service, a huge fan of the Washington Nationals, and he loved to have his shoulders squeezed when he came up for communion.  Here is a link to an old blog post that his mom, Shannon, wrote in 2011, several years before their daughter, Waverly, died (2015) and when Oliver was still quite young.  You may find Shannon’s blog helpful in getting to know a little about their story as a family.

A service of thanksgiving for his life will be held at McLean Bible Church (MBC), on the ground level of the Smith Center, on Saturday, December 15 at 11:00am.  MBC will have “funeral parking” signs to guide you as you turn onto the property from the stoplight on Rt 7.  There will be people greeting you as you enter.  You can find more detailed travel directions to MBC, here.

Everyone is invited to stay for a light lunch reception that will follow the funeral.  It is being provided by Oliver’s friends at Jill’s House.  In many ways Jill’s House became Oliver’s house too— a home away from home where he could enjoy life’s simple pleasures, have fun, and find rest in a context that cared for him.  Jill’s House, a 501(c)(3), offers respite to children with intellectual disabilities and their families in the Greater Washington, D.C. area.

Shannon and Matt have suggested that gifts to honor Oliver’s life be given to Jill’s House.  Please visit here, and include ‘Oliver McNeil’ in the comments section.  Or checks can be sent to:  Jill’s House, 9011 Leesburg Pike, Vienna, VA 22182.

If you have questions about the funeral, you can call the Restoration office.

The Apostle Paul wrote, “But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.  For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep.”  1 Thessalonians 4: 13-14
We do grieve.

But our grief is tethered to hope.
It does not overcome us.  On December 15 we will gather together to both grieve and to remind ourselves of our hope.  Thanks be to God for both.

-David

A 5pm Town Hall Conversation!

sunset Arlington

You are invited!  December 9 at 5pm

Dear Friends,

The 5pm service has always had a special spot in the life of Restoration.  The later time of day and the smaller size offer the possibility of a more intimate worship experience. 

We want to acknowledge that when we launched Incarnation, we sent some of our dear friends and many of our faithful, fellow, 5pm worship go-ers!  When a community chooses to change by multiplying itself in another part of the city, there is an opportunity to take stock and discuss ‘what could be’. 

The staff and clergy would like to have a ‘Town Hall’ meeting at the 5pm on Sunday, December 9.  We want to hear what this particular service means to you and how it is important to your worship of God and your experience of community at Restoration. We also want to hear what you would like the 5pm worship service to be.   

We love being Anglican and leading liturgy that requires ‘the work of the people’ in kneeling, praying out loud, singing, listening, eating, and drinking.  You are already participating in this liturgy by attending the service and many of you are already serving so that the rest of us can participate in the service.  THANK YOU!  There is an opportunity for more people to serve before, during, and after the liturgy.  We can’t do it without you.  So, we’ll be talking about that, too.

Would you mark December 9 on your calendar?  We will have our regular Advent liturgy.  When we get to the ‘sermon part’, we will take some time to talk about our hopes and dreams for the 5pm service, then we will close with Eucharist.  After the blessing, we will roll over to Sunrise Senior Living on Glebe Road to sing carols and hark the herald!

It will be a special evening and I hope to see you there.

-David 

The Matthew 25 Gathering

Screen Shot 2018-11-01 at 11.40.11 AM

Restoration,

A few years ago, a generous donor made a grant to our province, The Anglican Church in North America.  The purpose of the grant was to kick-start works of justice and mercy all over North America.  The vision was that Anglicans would become known as Full-Gospel People who proclaim the Good News of God’s rescue through His Son, Jesus and who serve the marginalized and vulnerable in acts of justice and mercy.  This grant became known as The Matthew 25 Initiative (M25i).

One of the first M25i grant recipients was Restoration Immigration Legal Aid.  This generous kick-start grant allowed RILA to hire their first staff person and to pursue the administrative requirements of becoming a new organization. We are so grateful for this grant and so grateful for the good work that RILA is doing.

Along with the grants, Archbishop Foley Beach asked if the province could host an annual gathering of Anglicans who are doing works of justice and mercy around North America. The first gathering was in Austin, the second was in Phoenix, and next year, we are hosting it here, at Restoration.

I am so excited that we have this opportunity to host The Matthew 25 Gathering! I want to answer a few questions about it and then make a BIG ASK.

When is it?  The Matthew 25 Gathering will be February 19-21, 2019.  It starts around 3pm on Tuesday and ends after Eucharist at 12:30pm on Thursday.  We will use every inch of our facility!

How many people are you expecting?  We are hoping that 100 people will attend.

What is the purpose of the Gathering?  We created it as an opportunity for Anglicans from across North America to network with each other, to share and learn best practices in the work they are doing, and to be renewed in their call to their vocation.  As you know, Restoration seeks to ‘refresh the workers’ in all of our outreach efforts and this is a very practical way that we can ‘refresh these workers’ who are serving the marginalized and vulnerable.

How will you refresh them?  The Gathering is structured around 4 plenary talks that will feature speakers talk about contemplative activism-  how can we grow deeper with Jesus as we serve?  We will also have 15 workshops that share best practices from people around our province.  In the middle of the Gathering, we will bus down to the Lincoln Memorial and prayer walk to the MLK memorial.  There is a ‘pre-Gathering’ retreat offering through our friends at Corhaven and a ‘post-Gathering’ tour of the Museum of the Bible and the National Museum of African American History.

Screen Shot 2018-11-01 at 11.39.44 AMI am excited by the confluence of prayer in DC, prayer with our friends at Coracle, and prayer from people at Restoration.

Our church gets to serve and I can’t wait to join you in it.

So here is the BIG ASK.

We want to host the Gathering participants well.  We will do that through a smooth registration process, vigilant on-site hospitality, and gracious lodging.  In the future, we will offer opportunities to help with registration and logistics.  Right now, I am seeking people who want to offer gracious lodging.

Many of the participants do not have budgets for this type of an event.  One of the ways that we make it affordable is by providing them a free room and breakfast. Would you consider hosting some of these participants on Tuesday and Wednesday nights (Feb 19 and 20)?  We would love them to have their own bed, some breakfast, and a ride to and from the church.  We are seeking 30-40 spots.

Would you consider it?

When the Gathering was hosted in Austin, the church that provided this gracious lodging LOVED it.  They had breakfast with people from far away who were doing really cool work and were so appreciative of having a free place to sleep.  Their household was blessed and the participant was blessed.  I believe that can happen for us too!

If you are interested, please fill out the form below.  Kathy Kenyon is coordinating our gracious lodging and she will be in touch soon to talk about your situation.

Thank you so much,

David

 

Parish Meeting!

Parish Meeting

Restoration is a gathering of the body of Christ, a household of God, a community of broken people who are being restored by grace.

We worship together, pray together, serve together, and live life together.  It’s more than just a place to show up on a Sunday; it’s the messiness of real life.  When people are connecting to God and experiencing what it means to be loved, forgiven, healed, and empowered by Jesus Christ through the Holy Spirit, church is happening.  And church is a foretaste of God’s Kingdom— a day when all that is broken will be healed, all that is incomplete will be made whole, all that is old will be made new.  A day of Restoration.

A few times a year we get together to talk about what God is doing in our church.  It’s a family meeting:

  • We check in about our resources (a financial update, opportunities to volunteer your time)
  • We celebrate what’s going well (we just launched a church plant!)
  • We anticipate what needs our attention (we are starting a visioning process).

We have one of these gatherings this Sunday, September 30 at 12:30pm…  right after the 11am service.

Food:  You always eat at a family meeting.  So we will have pizza and grapes and cookies.  Yum.

Childcare:  The kids need to know they are included but the adults need to be able to talk.  So after we eat pizza, we will provide childcare for kids and we need to know if your kids are coming.  Can you drop Louise a line?

Topics: Here’s where the conversation will go…

  • Restoration turns 10 in 2019!  We are creating a team of people to help us plan the celebration.  Do you enjoy hosting a party or helping folks to remember their joy?  Want to be on the team that is preparing for a grand celebration in the fall of 2019?  We’d love to get your name.  We will mark you as ‘interested‘.  And we’ll will be in touch.
  • Vision Night Recap:  Were you at Vision Night on September 6?  Wondering what was discussed?  We want to share things that we heard and update you on next steps.  Your input is so important to us as we look to where Restoration is headed over the next 7 years, Restoration 2025!
  • We ended our fiscal year strong in August.  We will give a financial update and show a slideshow from the first few weeks of our church plant, Incarnation.  We will talk about opportunities that are coming for discipleship, to engage our mortgage, and to visit our global outreach partners.

All of that in an hour!  Hope you can join us on Sunday.  Family meetings are fun!

-David

_________________________________________

This is what David shared concerning the vision night and follow-up questions:

Restoration Vision Night

a turn in the road

The Inflection of 2019

Restoration began almost ten years ago, in 2009, as a small group of 70 adults and kids who were aware of our brokenness, aware of our need for friendship, and thoughtful about how a new church community might be formed in Arlington County. 

During the summer of 2014, five years into our existence, we completed a brand new, $4.6M building.  While contractors were building our facility, our vestry and leaders were building a strategic plan that would guide the next 5 years of our life together.  We wanted to move back onto Quincy Street with a sense of urgency:  to serve our neighbors, to disciple people in their relationship with Jesus, and to plant churches.  We imagined that we might be a part of making 2000 disciples by the year 2019:  a thousand of them in our weekly worship and small groups around Quincy Street and a thousand through five church plants in the DC area and around the world.  It was a huge goal and it framed almost all of our subsequent conversations about plans, budgets, and ‘next steps’.  I am grateful for the leaders, volunteers, and staff who were willing to take it on.

We can now see 2019 on the near horizon.  It seemed so far in the distance when we first moved back into our building.  How did we do with our strategic plan?  What did God do in and through our church?  We are beginning to ask those evaluative questions.  The easiest place to start is the numbers.  We keep careful track and they are objective in their clarity. 

2014 Hope: We want to shepherd 1000 coherent, fully-integrated disciples in our facility on Quincy Street.

2018 Reality:  There are about 600 adults and children who worship on Quincy Street each Sunday. 

We had a significant jump in attendance in 2014 when we moved into our building.  From 2014 until today, our attendance has continued to grow but at a flatter rate:  from 507 to 580 over 4 years (about 5% growth rate annually).  We expect to be over 600 in 2019.  In addition, these increases represent the net change in people–  they mask the turnover of people coming and leaving at Restoration (which is over one hundred people annually).  As a result of this turnover, there are well over a thousand people who have worshiped and served with us in the last five years.  We thank God for everyone who continues to worship with us-  and for those who have come and left.  Based on our current reality, it seems unlikely that we will grow another 66% to 1,000 worshippers by 2019.

2014 Hope: We want to shepherd 1000 disciples through five 200 person church plants.

2018 Reality:  We have been involved in four church planting initiatives.  Are you aware of all of them?

  1. Incarnation Anglican Church is a church plant in the most traditional sense of the term.  Restoration identified and developed three leaders:  Rev. Liz Gray, Rev. Morgan Reed, and Amy Rowe.  We encouraged them to gather a launch team, to find a new worship location, to build the initial infrastructure that would support a new church community.  They have done that with excellence and skill.  On Sept 2 we will pray for their team of over 50 adults and children and send them out to establish this new work.  We are grateful for their courage, grateful for the generosity of Restoration to provide people and resources, and grateful to God for the opportunity to be a part of something new in South Arlington.  Incarnation is our first local church plant.  Thanks be to God.
  2. Phnomh Penh.  We sent Jesse and Sarah Blaine to Cambodia in 2012.  They have learned the language and made a home there.  Jesse did seminary from a distance and then was ordained by Bishop John Guernsey in 2016.  Jesse is the leader of a Khmer-speaking congregation and is hoping to plant another Khmer congregation in their city.  Restoration helped the Blaines to discern their call.  We have supported them financially and we have refreshed them with visiting teams from our church.  It has been a privilege to be a part of this new work in Cambodia.
  3. West Asia.  For about 3 years, Clay was on our staff team as a priest and Director of Youth Ministry.  In 2016, we sent him and his family to live in a strategic city in West Asia and to think about how to serve Christ and His Church.  They have learned the language.  They have made friends and put their kids in school.  Clay has been given the opportunity to take on leadership of a faithful church.  We have supported them financially and we are grateful to be a part of a steady work of God that is being regularly strengthened with new people and opportunities.
  4. Bolivia.  Over the last 4 years, Restoration has been sending a team of people to Cochabamba each summer to encourage the people of La Trinidad Anglican Church, to pray for and support the children of Niños con valor, and to teach on topics that help people grow closer to God.  As we have come alongside the leadership of La Trinidad, we have gotten the opportunity to support their church plant in the town of Puntiti.  It has been yet another way for Restoration to learn about church planting-  not by leading it ourselves, but by partnering with those who live there and offering whatever resources we have to the endeavor.

I submit that Restoration’s involvement in these 4 ministry initiatives happened BECAUSE we embraced a strategic plan that had a huge goal for church planting.  We were attuned to ideas that could become church plants.  We were full of prayer for brave initiatives to start new church communities.  The goal of five 200 person church plants served us well—  even though we fell short of the actual numbers.  

The strategic plan of 2000 disciples served us well:  We were ready for the growth that comes with a new building.  We were looking outward for opportunities to start new initiatives.

We are turning to a new chapter…

The leadership of Restoration is beginning to explore the opportunities that God is bringing to us for the years to come.  By the end of 2019, we would love to have a new strategic plan that would take us to Restoration 2025.  Here are some of the things we have identified as potential areas of focus.  There could be more.  I hope you will bring them to our Vision Night on September 6.

  1. Evangelism in Arlington County.  Inviting our friends and peers to consider a relationship with Jesus that makes a difference in their life.  We recognize that the opportunities around us for evangelism are huge.  There is so much misunderstanding about Jesus.  There are so many people living along Route 50, along the Orange Line, along Washington Boulevard, along Lee Highway…  As a church, we believe evangelism is important, but the activity of invitation has been a challenge for us.

  2. On November 22, 2019 we will turn 10!  We need to celebrate!  We need to party!  What would be an appropriate expression of gratitude to God for all he has done in our church?  What are the stories we need to tell?  Who are the people we need to remember and thank?
  3. We are completing our first local church plant launch.  We could do more.  There are other clergy who would like to join our staff as potential church planters or leaders in training.  What would be the location for the next church plant?  Who would be on the launch team?  How many more local church plants should we pursue?
  4. We want to help people grow deeper.  It’s not enough to just have bodies at Quincy Street, we want people to grow as coherent, fully-integrated disciples….  We are working to memorialize and clarify the communication about how our church grows disciples.  It has taken us a while to learn how we do what we do-  what are the programs and opportunities that have been most effective for disciple-making at Restoration?  What do we mean by ‘coherence’ and ‘integration’ in our Arlington context?  This fall we are excited to present a descriptive document called ‘Finding Your Place in God’s Story’.  It describes the traits of a coherent, fully-integrated disciple and it highlights the opportunities Restoration provides to help you grow in them.  We think it will be a help to people who are wanting to plug in to our community.
  5. We have a mortgage.  In our first capital campaign, we raised about half of the cost of our building. Our mortgage originally had a balance of $2.4 million, and we have paid about $0.5 million in principle and interest since then. It will be due in 2023.  If we continue on our current course of payments, we will owe about $2M.  This debt would either need to be re-financed or paid off with a capital campaign, or some combination thereof.  Alternatively, with some significant changes in our giving or spending habits, it is possible to adjust our current course of payments and seek to pay off the $2M from our operating and building funds over a 5 year period without re-financing or a having capital campaign.  The discernment of the right course of action needs to happen presently.
  6. We love Spanish speakers.  We have sung songs with Spanish lyrics.  We have served people who speak Spanish who are working through the immigration process (RILA).  We have partnered with Casa Chirilagua by providing financial contributions, tutors, staff mentorship, and prayers.  We have sent over 40 people to Bolivia on short term teams.  God is bringing us opportunities to serve and build relationships with people whose first language is Spanish.  What should we do next?  Should we have songs in Spanish more regularly?  Should we think about hosting a Eucharist service in Spanish?  What role should Spanish play in our strategic plan?

  7. We are at a transition point with the leadership of our outreach strategy.  Liz Gray did a uniquely incredible job of laying a foundation of partnership both locally and around the world.  We have not found a point person to build on this particular part of Liz’s legacy.  What should Restoration outreach look like in the next 5-6 years?

Restoration Vision Night: September 6, 7-9pm  

This reflection is designed to get the gears of your soul moving.  As you pray and think about the things that God is doing in our church, what are the images, words, and Scriptures that come to mind?  What gets you excited?  What is not included but needs to be?  What do you want to see happen? 

There will be opportunities to share your thoughts verbally on Sept 6.  You can also write them to me. 

Vision Night will be the first of a few.  Join us in giving thanks for all that God has done.  Join us in listening for all that He wants to do next. 

-David

I changed my bio this week.

DMH Bio

A screenshot of the bio that was on our website for the last 8 years.

I changed my bio on our website this week.

I have always listed out ‘random affections’ because hearing about what people love tells us a lot about them.  The people who influence us tell us a lot about who we are…  Can you list out the 4 or 5 people who have most shaped you as a friend, a spouse, or a parent?  Who are your vocational mentors?  What are your random affections?

I have been in vocational ministry and organizational leadership for almost 25 years.  During all that time, I have looked to and admired the work of Bill Hybels and Willow Creek Community Church:

  • Back in the 90’s, I attended the (now renamed) Church Leadership Summit.
  • I had a subscription to their sermon recordings.  Each week I would get a cassette tape (!) in the mail with a sermon from John Ortberg or Bill Hybels.
  • I own and have read almost every book that Bill has written.
  • I have worshipped at Willow Creek a half dozen times.
  • I wanted to be passionate like Bill was passionate for the local church.
  • I wanted to tell riveting stories that make people laugh and cry… like he did to me.
  • I wanted to care about lost people being reconciled to God and take risks to tell them that God loves them… like he does.
  • I wanted to be excellent and confident in my leadership… like him.
  • I wanted to to launch and support transforming Kingdom works… like he did (the Care Center, Cars Ministry, raising awareness about Global Poverty, calling the church to care about prisoners in prison, and so many others…)
  • I rejoiced when Bill named his successor to be a leadership/preaching team of Heather Larson and Steve Carter.

In the past 4 months, all of that has unraveled…  very publicly, before our very eyes.  Bill resigned.  Steve resignedHeather resignedAll of the elders resigned.

The allegations against Bill are consistent.  The behavior of which he is accused is wrong (and so many other negative adjectives).  I wish he would publicly acknowledge what he actually did and put to rest the conjecture.  It is painful (heart-wrenching) to watch a legacy dissolve;  to witness the implosion of a church that changed the way we think about church.  

Bill did shape me as a leader.  But I have had to change my mind and repent of my aspirations to lead as one who is ‘mentored by Bill’ (from a distance through books and talks).  I can no longer affirm his ministry by listing him as an affection on my bio.

I am sorting through what it means when our ‘heroes’ fail us.  I am sad, sobered, cautious.  We have talked about these events on our staff team and among my ministry peers.  Our vestry, staff, and personnel team have taken time this summer to revise and strengthen our harassment policy.

I mourn for what is happening at Willow Creek.  I can’t imagine the pain that the congregation is experiencing.  I mourn for the degradation of the church (again) in the public’s eye.  These events and resignations are more fuel for the fire.

I continue to look for men and women who are leading thriving organizations with integrity, compassion, skill, competence, and love.  By God’s grace, there are thousands of these people!

May we all live lives of close accountability.  I really appreciate this blog to pastors from Rich Villados.  I think there is a lot of cross-over into your world as well.

We need to be known:

  • both our gifts and our shortcomings
  • both our strengths and our temptations
  • both our flourishing joy and our lonely deceptions.

I wanted you to know what’s been going on in my mind and heart over the last few weeks.  I am grateful to be your pastor.

-David

Announcing the hire of Rev. Beth Tipps!

Screen Shot 2018-07-20 at 11.51.26 AM

It brings me great joy to announce that we have hired Rev. Beth Tipps of Nashville, TN as an associate rector at Restoration.  Beth is a newly ordained Anglican Priest in the Diocese of Churches for the Sake of Others, which is under the leadership of Bishop Todd Hunter.   She received her ordination in September 2017. 

For the past 13 years Beth has worked in various political offices both on Capitol Hill and most recently in the governor’s office in Nashville. Currently she serves in a volunteer capacity at St. Mary of Bethany Anglican Parish, preaching and celebrating at services.

As an ordained Anglican priest, former DC resident, former volunteer and seminarian at The Falls Church Anglican, practiced small group leader, and life-long follower of Jesus, Beth will bring the set of skills, experiences, and spiritual gifts for which we have been searching.

She will start in October and will be with us at our fall retreat.  Thanks be to God!

Screen Shot 2018-07-20 at 11.51.11 AM

I also want to take a moment to thank Kat Downs and Becky Mohr who directed the 5 month process that lead to the hiring of Beth.  They created and managed an excellent search, they formed a team that gave dozens of hours to interview, review, and write feedback.  They have been tireless, cheerful, and hopeful throughout.  Thank you.  It was an honor to work alongside them in this project.

Thanks be to God for His gracious provision of Rev. Beth Tipps!  We look forward to getting to know her and working alongside her in the vision to see broken people restored by grace and finding their place in God’s story.

-David

GAFCON2018

GAFCON2018-FINAL

 

The Global Anglican Future Conference

I am so grateful for the opportunity to attend GAFCON last week.

I took my vows of ordination to the priesthood over ten years ago under the leadership of a missionary bishop from the Church of Nigeria.  I declared my trust in the Scriptures, my commitment to the preaching of the Gospel, and my calling to nourish God’s people in the community of the church.  I was delighted and humbled to join a multi-ethnic, world-wide fellowship.  I was grateful to be fed at the Lord’s Table each week.

At GAFCON, I was reminded of why I wholeheartedly pursued Anglican ordination.  I gave thanks to God for clear, faithful leaders.  I rejoiced in the conversations I had with men and women from around the world who love Jesus and love His church.

The Anglican Communion needs our fervent prayers as we continue to move through turbulent waters.  But there is hope.  There is a way forward.  There is fellowship and partnership for churches like Restoration.  Thanks be to God.

Want to know what it was like?  Here are links that will take you through the story.  You can go as deep as you want, but don’t miss the 90 second video.  It’s just 90 seconds.

 

GAFCON 2018 in 90 seconds from Sydneyanglicans.net on Vimeo.

 

GAFCON produced a statement called the ‘Letter to the Churches’.   It is excellent.  It takes about 5 minutes to read and by the end you will have a better sense of where we have been over the last 20 years and where we are going in the next 5 or so.  If you pair this with the video, you are well on your way to GAFCON COGNIZANCE.  Letter to the Churches

If the ‘Letter to the Churches’ left you with some questions…  Or if you are wondering how the rest of the Anglican Communion might react to the document, let me recommend Andrew Symes’ piece.  (And if you are asking these kinds of questions and reading this far, you are quickly advancing to ‘Synod of Whitby’ status.  It comes with free drinks on long-haul flights.)

Back to the realm of familiarity.  Sometimes YOU want to know what people you KNOW… KNOW.  I got to attend GAFCON with 3 other beloved Restoration/Incarnation folk:  Liz Gray, Jeff Walton, and Amy Rowe.  Here are Liz Gray’s reflections on GAFCON via ‘6 Loves’.  And here is Jeff Walton’s excellent reporting from early in the week of GAFCON.

Finally, if you want the keys to the whole house…  here is the GAFCON website which has a wealth of excellent information about the movement, including how to donate and the appointment of our Archbishop, Foley Beach, as the new GAFCON Chairman.

We give thanks to God for His faithful leadership of an imperfect and beautiful church.  May we persevere until the end and may Christ come quickly.  Amen.

Welcome back, Scott Buckhout!

Scott Buckhout

This Summer, Scott Buckhout is returning to Restoration to serve as our Summer Pastoral Associate.  You will see a lot of him on Sundays, leading us through the liturgy.  He will also be helping out with a summer small group and community fun.

Scott is a student at Gordon-Conwell and a postulant for ordination under the care of our bishop, John Guernsey.  I am grateful for all the ways he has served at Restoration in the past and I am excited about the opportunity we get to invest in his pastoral development this summer.  Look for him this Sunday and say, Welcome Back!

-David

A few words from Scott, himself…

I grew up in Northern Kentucky, just across the river from Cincinnati, Ohio (The greatest city in the world!). My parents still live in the house where I grew up. It is a gift to still get to go “home.”

I went to greatest school in America: Davidson College (Fun facts: I was the back-up mascot, and Steph Curry came to my apartment Christmas party). Upon graduating, I moved up I-95 to DC where I was a Falls Church Fellow. I ended up staying in the DC area for 9 years, mostly working in the federal government.

In 2014, I left government and started actively discerning a call to pastoral ministry. In the fall of 2016, I started at Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary, and I am somewhere between halfway and two-thirds of the way done. 🙂

The one consistent part of my 9 years in DC was being a part of the Restoration church family. My first Sunday was Restoration’s first Sunday, and I have been coming back ever since. Restoration has been the place where God has invited me to trust Him with more my life, and it is a joy to be back again this summer.

Becoming a trusted spouse.

couple laughing

After talking about 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 on Sunday, I received several questions that all began, ‘How?‘  How do I become a trusted spouse?  If I am not married, how do I find a trusted spouse?  How do I trust my spouse when they have not been trustworthy?

These are such good questions and they reveal such tender places from the one who is asking.  Fear, pain, hurt are regular companions in this life.  Trust is often a choice made ‘in spite of’ and not always ‘because of’.

Learning to trust God so that I can trust my spouse and be trustworthy is a life-long learning process.

So I’d like to offer a few thoughts about trusted spouses as we journey through this week.  Hope you can talk about them with your loved one and with your small group.

Build trust by voluntarily offering yourself.

  1. We would build trust emotionally by volunteering what is going on in our head and heart.  This takes intentionality as you re-enter from the day.  This takes ‘prior work’ to determine what we can volunteer.  You have to consider, ‘what am I feeling and thinking today?’  It is a risk to share a story or anecdote with your spouse.

    For married couples, one of the key friction points each day is moving from a state of being separate (geographically ‘at work’) and transitioning to a state of being together (geographically ‘at home’- for dinner, for the evening, for bed).  That transition requires excellent (your best!) communication.  One way to build trust is to offer as you enter in…  ‘This is what I have been thinking and feeling today.  This person or situation brought me joy or made me angry.  This is when I thought about you or missed you…’  Offering our ’emotional state’ by describing it with words and stories is way to build trust in that transition from separateness to togetherness.

  2. We would build trust spiritually by volunteering what God is teaching us (in prayer, through Bible reading, in our small group and mentoring relationships).  This takes intentionality as you leave for the day…  It can be quick (none of us have a lot of time as we run out the door):  ‘Here is a verse that I read this morning and it encouraged me, disturbed me, convicted me…  Can I pray for your meeting, the pain in your body, the hard conversation you need to have?’

    We all know that it can be chaotic as we ‘leave togetherness’, but taking seconds to communicate that ‘I have talked with God this morning and I am praying for you this day’ builds trust.

    There will be times when you want to talk for a longer period of time about your relationship with God.  Schedule a date!  Put it in the calendar!  Offer to your spouse-  ‘Can I tell you what I have been reading?  Can I share with you what I have been praying?’  I guarantee that they want to hear and I am confident that you sharing it will go a long way to building trust.

  3. We would build trust sexually by voluntarily not pursuing other sexual opportunities  (porn, fantasy, novels, streaming shows).  Decide now and renew your decision regularly to not meet your sexual needs outside of your marriage covenant.

    Instead, talk about those needs with your spouse.  Your  courage to initiate conversation about that topic builds intimacy.  It may not be easy, but it is brave.

    Also, talk about those temptations with your community (thinking of your small group or a few trusted(!) friends).  Being known, understood, and prayed for helps those temptations lose their power.

Build Trust by Fighting Fair

  • Be kind in the midst of conflict. 
  • Resist cursing (Cussing is cursing-  saying things that are intended to do harm.  As opposed to blessing-  saying things that are intended to bring life and goodness). 
  • Resist the urge to insult behaviors or body parts.  You will do damage that endures long after the conflict has ended. 
  • Make ‘I’ statements rather than universal declarations:  ‘I hear you saying…’ rather than ‘you always…’ 
  • Pay attention to body language- i.e. what your body position (and theirs) is communicating.  Your stance, your facial expression, the fold of your arms, and the clench of your fists all communicate…  
  • Listen actively.
  • Be quick to ask for help.  A 3rd person in the room is invaluable to help 2 people hear what the other is saying.  Reach out to your small group leader or to a pastoral staff member.  We have many resources that can help.

Build Trust by Renewing your Covenant

Covenant renewal:  When you get married, you make a solemn covenant with your spouse…  your covenant partner.  As time goes on, there is a need to rekindle the heart and renew the commitment.  There must be an opportunity to recall all that the other person means to you and to give yourself anew.  Sex between a husband and wife is a unique way to do that.  In fact, sex is perhaps the most powerful way to help you give your entire self to another human being.  Sex is God’s appointed way for 2 people to reciprocally say to one another, ‘I belong completely, permanently, and exclusively to you.”  You must not use sex to say anything less… 

So according to the Bible, a covenant is necessary for sex.  It creates a place of security for vulnerability and intimacy.  But though a marriage covenant is necessary for sex, sex is also necessary for the maintenance of the covenant.  It is your covenant renewal service.”

Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage

Build trust by the way you say no to sex.

Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again,  so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

1 Corinthians 7:5

There will be seasons when sex is not an option for a married couple.  As glorious as it is and as effective as it can be in the renewing of our promises and faithfulness to each other, sometimes it is not possible.

This verse gives simple, clear instruction on the conditions that need to be in place for a season of ‘no sex.’

  • by agreement:  Married couples decide together about sexual frequency or a period of sexual abstinence.  It’s a conversation and not an unforeseen consequence.  It is intended to be a help and not a punishment.
    For the next week or the next month, we are not going to have sex because…”
  1. We have hurt each other. (emotional trust is gone)
  2. It’s not possible physically.  (my body is too tired or my body is not present geographically)
  3. We are fasting so that we can pray about a major decision or for a major breakthrough.
  • For a limited time:  The period of abstinence needs to have an end date.  The goodness of that period is that it gives freedom for other intimacies to develop.  (Can I express love this way since sex is not an option?)

There will be times of abstinence, but they should be chosen by agreement and they should be finite in length.  As soon as possible, it would be good to re-introduce the act of covenant renewal…  for the good of the covenant and the joy of the couple.


Building trust requires our most deliberate and careful work.  May God pour out His grace upon you as you become a trusted spouse.

-David

Page 1 of 212
© Copyright Restoration Anglican Church