Ask the next question.
I spend a lot of time talking to people. I enjoy it. I love hearing people’s stories– things that get them excited and sad and scared and curious.
I am insatiably curious when it comes to people’s core passions, the stuff that makes them tick. I love hearing about your vocation and how you spend your time and what projects you are working on and where you are going on vacation and why that spot is special to you. I actually learn the best when I am talking to people– about the world, the economy, the Nats, you name it– it’s where it all sinks in and makes sense for me.
I learn so much because I am really good at asking questions.
And a lot of the people that I talk with… aren’t.
Let me give you an example: [abbreviated for the sake of clarity…]
You: David, how was your week? [cause you sincerely want to know… thanks!]
Me: I had a great day yesterday. I made pancakes for the kids and we laid on the floor with puzzles.
You: I love pancakes. I make them every week. When I was growing up, my Dad would make pancakes and he would put them in the shape of a snow man. We had them on Saturday morning after he got home from golf. Sometimes he would put chocolate chips in them. Sometimes Mom would get mad because it was too much sugar.
Me: Ok. So, was your Dad around a lot? OR Are pancakes with your Dad a happy memory? OR What did you talk about while your Dad made pancakes?
You: Lots more sentences about your Dad, growing up, etc.
Now this happens all the time. I get to learn all kinds of stuff about you. And I love it! But you didn’t learn much about me. Are there people that you want to know better?
What if you had asked the next question?
Take the first exchange…
You: David, how was your week? [cause you sincerely want to know, thanks!]
Me: I had a great day yesterday. I made pancakes for the kids and we laid on the floor with puzzles.
But instead of using my answer as a launching point for your story, what if you asked the next question? Generally, we don’t do this well. Here are some potential ‘next questions’…
What kind of puzzles did you do? Do you like puzzles? Were you bored sitting on the floor? How often do you get to do that with your kids? What other things do you like to do with your kids? Do you plan stuff out with your kids or just let things happen as they come up? What kind of pancakes do you make? Do your kids help you make pancakes? What is the hardest part about making pancakes? Do your kids get in a rut of expectation around pancakes– every week we better get pancakes? How do you do special things for your kids but no spoil them? How do you protect your time so that those kind of puzzle and pancake opportunities can happen?
What if we all asked the next question instead of using someone’s answer as a launching point for our cool story?
Practice asking good questions. People are really interesting and fun to get to know.
I am grateful that I get to know so many of you!
-David
July 2, 2013 @ 12:26 pm
Great post David! So true!
July 2, 2013 @ 12:36 pm
One of the significant things I learned from you! Thanks for the reminder.
What made you think to post on this topic? 😉
July 2, 2013 @ 12:52 pm
Drew! Nice job asking the next question…
July 2, 2013 @ 1:02 pm
So important, so true and often so tough for extraverted/external processors to skip our enthusiastic memory barrage and get straight to the next question. Any tips on that front?
I live with a pretty phenomenal question-asker. I love watching her in at functions, she usually finds the most interesting person in the room. She makes them such by quickly getting them talking about their passions and suddenly their conversations are lively and story-filled.
So here’s my next question (s): Who helped you learn to be really good questioner?
July 2, 2013 @ 4:19 pm
Erica, great questions. In terms of tips for getting to the next question, let me suggest that it is a ‘discipline.’ It’s walking into the conversation saying– I am going to ask more then I tell. It’s being comfortable with silence and waiting for the other person to answer.
Full confession– I have become a good questioner because I am not very good at talking about myself. I find myself to be kind of boring. And I love the way people light up as I listen to their stories. I guess I quickly get bored with myself and find others more interesting.
Some people are GREAT story tellers and they are so interesting to be around. I am not sure I am that person. But I am a great story elicitor. I think we need both. Thank God for interesting people!
July 2, 2013 @ 11:09 pm
ouch!
July 3, 2013 @ 12:49 am
Nice, David. I believe that most people want to relate to the conversation, so it becomes about “me.” Relating and being heard, or even an attempt to impress is important to many people – and we know who we are. I have learned through asking questions that silence is ok. Ask a question and wait for the response. There is no need to fill the void. Patience is a good tool. Thanks for writing about things that impact our daily lives.
July 5, 2013 @ 11:35 am
Thanks David!! You have done us a great service by addressing one of the elephants in the room in our culture- Christian and otherwise.
I think many people think they are good listeners but when it comes to actual conversation it can sometimes not be evidenced. ‘Cultivating the art of the question’ as someone has said is a worthwhile skill.
I”m curious as to what prompted this post- did your listening capacity reach its limit?
July 5, 2013 @ 12:16 pm
Ha! Great question Mary Ann. I have gotten several notes this week from people who asked– is this about me?? And the answer is, ‘no’. I am not very reactionary in my blog posts or sermons. I have ideas that I don’t write about for weeks or months. The more time I can mull them over, the better– like spaghetti sauce.
That said, I think this is a topic in which I can keep growing. In order to understand how the story of Jesus impacts the lives of people, I need to listen to lots of stories from people. I want to ask good questions and hear good stories.
I love the idea of Restoration being a place where we are ‘cultivating the art of the question.’
July 10, 2013 @ 11:37 am
Arlington question: were the pancakes gluten free?
July 10, 2013 @ 6:28 pm
Did you finish the puzzles? How many pieces made up each puzzle? How do you involve every child in that? Do they each get their own 100 piece?
July 10, 2013 @ 6:30 pm
Ditto Jeff’s Question + how do your kids like pancakes? Did you make them all by yourself? Did your kids help?